autism

Happy Autism Awareness Day!

by donna
Happy Autism Awareness Day!


For the first time in many, many years April 2nd hasn’t touched my heart with profound sadness.
It hasn’t made me want to snap at people who want to celebrate and it hasn’t made me want to smash the carefully iced shortbread cookie that gets handed out on this day with a blue puzzle piece. This year, as I wander alone through the community,  I think to myself…..I got this!


Sure that feeling of success will go away.  It will come back and go away again, and again, and again.  That is the nature of autism and ultimately what we all experience as we live our lives.


Recently I’ve latched onto the concept that struggle builds character.  I’ll take that and run with it. I’ll brag a little to myself about my kids and my family that we are chock full of character because of the struggles we have faced. Big struggles, life altering struggles. The kind of struggles that don’t eventually go away. The kind of struggles that  will provide the architecture on which my family’s future will be built.


I joke to my friends that I live under a rock. A few friends who have embraced my journey as a special needs mom worry when I say that, and I appreciate that more than they know. The rock symbolizes the invisible weight on my shoulders, as I try my best to figure things out. It symbolizes the constant and extreme anxiety I have developed, and I guess even the loneliness I feel as a different kind of mom. All of which has shaped my personality throughout the past two decades.


When I feel strong I can gather the energy to move the rock over and let in the light. Usually though, within a short amount of time, something happens or a whole host of things happen and just like that I’m back under my rock.


My rock gets unusually heavy in the dreary month of February. Subconsciously my mind and heart reverts back to 2002. The February 2002 version of myself has three small children and a dying sister. I’m back in her bedroom during her final days. I relive the conversations we had, and I experience all the emotions that I’ve worked very hard to overcome. In my experience, grief does not leave you. You just learn to coexist.


March slowly turns into April. As much as I truly appreciate the beauty and new life the season brings, I’ve said for the past 15 years (to anyone who will listen) that I hate Spring. Let me clarify.  I’ve dreaded Spring since being an autism mom. The baseball fields I drive by are full of young excited boys ready to begin their season and kids are outside playing. Moms, the women whom I always thought I could relate to but really can’t, are forming carpools and just like that social groups are formed for both child and mom. All the while my beautiful little boy is silent, except for  loud vocalizations as he plays  intently with his favorite string. I do my very best to portray I’m okay even though my heart is in a million pieces and I want to scream. There is a camaraderie within the community that I’ve never been a part of and never will.  Being a bystander has been tough and has tested my inner strength and pushed me to levels of despair for which I just wasn’t prepared.


So back to why I got this! Through much soul searching I have decided that this April is my turning point. My Spring rebirth if you will.  I’m. Moving. On. I really am. I’ve been up, down, and all around on my emotional 20 year rollercoaster ride. But by God, I’ve made peace and on I go! I’m not moving on from autism of course, that would be impossible. I’m finally saying goodbye to the many painful years and memories that have ultimately introduced me to an inner strength in my soul that I didn’t know I had. I see fear, frustration and angst in my rear view mirror and it looks pretty good back there. The Lund bus is moving forward and will run you over if you get in our way!


My 4 kids are in good places at the moment and for that I am thankful. I don’t care what could’ve  been or should’ve been. I don’t care about the many obstacles in our way or the people who have hurt us on our special journey. I care about carving out the best darn future for my sons. This new attitude liberates me from the past and sets the stage for Autism: Phase 2.


So today I am celebrating! I am celebrating and congratulating every person in this great big world affected by autism. I am celebrating all the special siblings, especially Nicole and Catie Lund for making countless days in our household work and I’m thanking them for all the sacrifices they have made. I am celebrating and commending all the devoted dads, especially my husband, who is the hardest working person that I know. Lastly, I’m  celebrating the lovely ladies known as Autism moms: my soul sisters, my inspiration. I wish you all peace and love this month and every month after and I offer you my unconditional friendship and support. Keep at it girls. You got this too!