autism

Back To School

by donna

I didn’t want to write about the beginning of the new school year because it’s too predictable but here I am doing just that.
First off, in terms of a new school year we are sitting pretty. This is an easy one. Nothing much has changed and that keeps us calm. Brian is riding the same bus and is warmly greeted by Murph, our trusted bus driver for the second year now. Brian climbs up the steps and plops down in the seat waiting for him, right behind Murph. He is entering the same school building, met by the same aides and heading to the same locker. He has the same wonderful support teacher, who has taken the time to figure him out, and the same therapists. 
We’re good! Actually, we are more than good, we are great!  Having things the same keeps the peace and I love peace. The big move is coming next year as we make the jump to High School. For now though, I’ll savor the moment and embrace who and what we know and won’t get ahead of myself.  Getting ahead of myself will make me break out in a cold sweat so I won’t allow myself to do so. 
My big take away from the first day of school is how the human brain is capable of adapting. More specifically, my brain. 
Sadly, I expect (and accept) that I will hear nothing from my son when he arrives home.  I will gauge from his demeanor what he is thinking and how he is feeling. I will read his communication paper and get some basic information about the mechanics of his day. I will ask him questions knowing that no answers are forthcoming. But that’s ok because I’ve adapted. 
I know no one will be calling to set up a car pool for after school activities or to pick up the snack for sports practice (if that’s even a thing these days). I know no one will be sharing the inner workings of the 8th grade social dynamics with me. I’ll learn through social media of Brian’s new classmate and I’ll learn through school email about the upcoming social that will make absolutely no sense for Brian to attend. I also know Friday night football is in full swing. An activity we used to attend to feel a part of the community with Brian while Catie was a Pantherette but pretty much have stopped. The social dynamic has no interest for him and the sensory experience is overwhelming. As the kids get older the discrepancy gets wider and for me it’s a little tough to see so we will find something else to do. But that’s ok because I’ve adapted.
The truth is we are doing 8th grade our way, completely different than anyone I know. The best metaphor I can come up with is that we are on our own Island yet surrounded by hundreds of people. I have felt this way on many occasions but as luck would have it it doesn’t affect me so intensely the way it used to and for that I am thankful. Yay! Thank God the brain allows for this type of adaptation because I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t be blogging, painting furniture, working at Anthro, or for that matter smiling. But I am doing those things so something has gone right. I’ve pulled myself together and adapted….that’s what has gone right.
Being different is hard, there is no doubt about that. I’m a different kind of mom and my son is a different kind of 8th grader. For that I need no reminder. We are who we are and in the end I realize I am thankful for the first day of school. The first day of school reunites Brian with some really great kids that he didn’t see all summer. I see the same names of children on the communication sheet who make it part of their day to be with Brian. Who knows, maybe this year I will see new names indicating Brian made new friends. One of the nicest things I heard was from a boy named Ethan. He was leaving Fort Couch Middle School and off to the High School but he told me he will be waiting for Brian and when Brian gets to the High School he will be an active part of his day.  Ethan has no idea the effect of his words and actions on our family. 
So this blog is dedicated to the young autism moms who are struggling to adapt. Whether you are struggling with a new diagnosis, preparing for your first IEP meeting or you are 5 years in and feeling like you can’t do it. You can. This blog is for the moms who have reached out to me feeling overwhelmed. You will adapt too.  If I can, anyone can. Time is your friend. Don’t let heartbreak cause you to self destruct because a few years back I almost did and it wasn’t pretty. 
All this said, we have chosen for our son to be integrated and educated with his peers and at times that can be complicated. Like everything in life you take the good with the not so good and that is what we are doing. Brian loves the kids and from what I can tell most of them love him too and that’s good enough for me. When I see how he is treated by some kind hearted classmates it warms my heart and covers the dull ache inside of me like a cozy blanket on a cold night.